it's new years eve and i'm alone...an apropos ending to my 2013.
i'm sad. i'm not sad that i'm spending new years alone. it's the state of my life that makes me sad. and that that's what i've chosen to focus on tonight makes me even more sad.
i try so hard to be grateful for all the wonderful i have in my life...because there is so much to be grateful for. there really is. i feel like i've listed it all here a million times, and even making the list in my head and seeing how long and fruitful it is makes me feel like such a whiney little bitch for spending my new years crying about the one thing that makes me suffer such misery when i've soooo many other things that should make me happy. but alas, it is what it is.
i'm in a loveless marriage, one without friendship, respect, mutual appreciation, or even a simple little bit of empathy. i'm seven months pregnant with a baby that further binds me to a man i cannot even stand to look at, much less be in the same room with, or have any inkling of a desire to spend this most special of evenings with. which is why it's so appropriate that i spend this night in the pleasure of my own company (and i will dry my tears and head to the couch with a tall glass of sparkling juice and some sinfully delightful snacks here in a bit...in an effort to find some way to focus on the brighter aspects of my life).
and then i will do my best to reflect on what's been right this year. i have the best job i could ever ask for, with limitless possibilities, and a most satisfying paycheck. my beautiful daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me. the miracle of a new life is stirring in my belly. i have a great house in a great neighborhood, bountiful friendships, and welcoming communities that give me opportunities to give back to my town. basically, i have almost everything any person could ever want.
almost.
it's just that love thing. that little thing that makes the world go round. that little thing that people say is worth living in poverty and struggling every day to come home to. and i wonder if getting him out of my life will free me to focus more on what i have to be grateful for. that maybe being in his despicable company every day serves as a constant reminder of what could have been...with someone else.
my goal for 2014 is to figure out just that...and to make the right choices for my happiness and the serenity and health of my home and family.
onward.
~k
31 December 2013
30 November 2013
the end...the letter
dear husband -
when i moved here, i had so much hope for the future. even thought i'd just been fired, i knew that it was just the universe's way of giving me the push i needed to do what was right for me.
i was so in love with you. i saw for myself the future you were offering. you were inviting me into your warm family, inviting me to build a home in the house you'd just bought, and promised me a life of love, family, and roots.
when i moved here, i had so much hope for the future. even thought i'd just been fired, i knew that it was just the universe's way of giving me the push i needed to do what was right for me.
i was so in love with you. i saw for myself the future you were offering. you were inviting me into your warm family, inviting me to build a home in the house you'd just bought, and promised me a life of love, family, and roots.
and i sailed here on that hope. i believed in the love i had for you and the love i thought you had for me. i believed that your family was going to welcome me into their hearts and lives, and i was so looking forward to making these bricks and mortar our home...and filling it with the sounds of the pitter patter of little feet.
and i got here and things were stressful. i didn't have a job, wasn't nearly as confident as i should have been that getting my job was in the bag, and i (as you know) didn't handle the stress well. i spent every day here, waiting for you to come home. i kept the house up, the laundry clean and folded, and made dinner most nights while waiting for you to get home from work. and every night when i heard the garage door open, my heart flipped a flop because i knew you'd be walking in that door in two seconds.
and then all the pieces started to fall into place. i got the job i still love, we were getting married and honeymooning the trip of a lifetime. even the wedding i didn't want, meant to keep peace in the family, wasn't getting me down. we were starting our life together and that's all that mattered.
except that isn't all that mattered. the news of Bella, followed by the downward spiral of your family, and our disastrous honeymoon all brought the euphoria of our new life crashing down. Bella came...and with her my greatest dream came true...and yet, things didn't get any better. they only deterioirated further.
my loneliness here continued unabated. despite my job, NLC, my new baby, i had no friends but you and i just wasn't getting what i needed from you. maybe i just need too much. maybe what i seek and demand isn't humanly possible. maybe i couldn't tell you in the right words what wasn't working for me, what i needed from you, and just how badly i was hurting.
but somewhere along the way, all that hope i felt when i moved here, all that love i felt for you, all that joy i embraced at the prospect of the life we were beginning together...it all died. and it died a long, painful, and slow death.
i still love my job. i love the this home. i love the community i've built for myself here...in this city and in this neighborhood. and i love my Bella more than anything in the world. i have a million things to be thankful for this holiday: my family, my daughter, my friends, my home, my job, and the resources to enjoy the best life has to offer.
but i have no love. and i can't keep trying to live the lie that it doesn't matter. i can't keep living with the person that serves as a constant reminder that i have no love. it just makes me resent you further and want to punish you all the more harshly. i'm sorry you've been fighting to save us when it's all been for naught. i hope you'll believe me that i long had hoped i would learn to love you again, would find a way to rekindle that fire that brought us together in the first place, that we would be able to bring the joy back into our family...and give our children a better life than i got to have. but it appears that such is not in the cards for us.
and i know you're angry and you don't believe me, but hopefully someday you will...that this all started with the best of intentions, a plentiful supply of hope, and love the likes of which the world rarely sees. and i'm sorry things are ending as they are. but hopefully we'll both emerge from this stronger, better people, and will be able to give our children the beautiful lives the deserve.
hope really does spring eternal.
~k
29 November 2013
a thankful holiday
one of my brothers and his family joined us for thanksgiving this year. it was just the six of us and it was an utterly lovely day.
we cooked, we cleaned, we hung out, we listed the things we're thankful for, we shopped, we ate tons, we watched the Macy's parade, we lounged around, scoured the black friday ads, and simply enjoyed each others' company.
for my brother and me, there's just something about thanksgiving. it's a holiday we've always enjoyed a lot, and one we make an effort to see through together every year that we can. and this year was just as lovely as the others, perhaps even more so because it was so much more intimate and laid back.
and the holiday gives me a special reason to recount all the things i'm thankful for...my beautiful daughter, my healthy baby, a home i love, friends and family that make life worth living, a neighborhood community, a job i love, and a salary that makes life very comfortable.
it's one day i can fairly easily lose focus on the things i'm not so thankful for.
~k
we cooked, we cleaned, we hung out, we listed the things we're thankful for, we shopped, we ate tons, we watched the Macy's parade, we lounged around, scoured the black friday ads, and simply enjoyed each others' company.
for my brother and me, there's just something about thanksgiving. it's a holiday we've always enjoyed a lot, and one we make an effort to see through together every year that we can. and this year was just as lovely as the others, perhaps even more so because it was so much more intimate and laid back.
and the holiday gives me a special reason to recount all the things i'm thankful for...my beautiful daughter, my healthy baby, a home i love, friends and family that make life worth living, a neighborhood community, a job i love, and a salary that makes life very comfortable.
it's one day i can fairly easily lose focus on the things i'm not so thankful for.
~k
09 November 2013
a holiday of my own
my birthday is my favorite day of the year. it's a holiday that's my very own...and it's all about me. it's always been a day of festivities and celebration, all spent in the warmth and friendship of those i love.
well, not all.
since moving to st. louis, i've not had a memorable birthday. i've not even had a birthday i'd label festive and celebratory. they've all been enveloped in the undertones of the sadness and disappointment i feel in every breath i spend with my husband...and the loneliness that consumes me in his company.
i hate everything about him. i hate the way my skin crawls when he comes near me, when he tries to hug me, kiss me, or express any level of affection. and mostly i hate feeling trapped with him, that every day i have to get up and pretend that everything is okay with me because i know i'm incapable of being a good, attentive, and patient mother without him backing me up (even though he'll never amount to any more than just my back-up).
i don't know if this place we're in was inevitable. but i know that, for me, it is irreversible. i will never love him again. i cannot love someone like him, with no initative, no gumption, no ability to take care of me. he's like a child trapped in an adult's body, who can't think for himself, do for himself, or take care of himself. i don't know how i was ever blind enough to think i was making the right choice in uprooting my whole life and all of my plans to start a life with him.
i'm grateful for my beautiful daughter, the home that becomes more mine every day, a fulfilling and enjoyable career, and the good friends i've made in my new life. i just have to keep reminding myself that there are reasons to celebrate and be happy so that i don't let my impossible marriage ruin what little light remains in me.
and i can still have some hope, some little glimmer at the very least, that next week when my birthday falls, there will be something worth celebrating with people i want to celebrate with.
~k
well, not all.
since moving to st. louis, i've not had a memorable birthday. i've not even had a birthday i'd label festive and celebratory. they've all been enveloped in the undertones of the sadness and disappointment i feel in every breath i spend with my husband...and the loneliness that consumes me in his company.
i hate everything about him. i hate the way my skin crawls when he comes near me, when he tries to hug me, kiss me, or express any level of affection. and mostly i hate feeling trapped with him, that every day i have to get up and pretend that everything is okay with me because i know i'm incapable of being a good, attentive, and patient mother without him backing me up (even though he'll never amount to any more than just my back-up).
i don't know if this place we're in was inevitable. but i know that, for me, it is irreversible. i will never love him again. i cannot love someone like him, with no initative, no gumption, no ability to take care of me. he's like a child trapped in an adult's body, who can't think for himself, do for himself, or take care of himself. i don't know how i was ever blind enough to think i was making the right choice in uprooting my whole life and all of my plans to start a life with him.
i'm grateful for my beautiful daughter, the home that becomes more mine every day, a fulfilling and enjoyable career, and the good friends i've made in my new life. i just have to keep reminding myself that there are reasons to celebrate and be happy so that i don't let my impossible marriage ruin what little light remains in me.
and i can still have some hope, some little glimmer at the very least, that next week when my birthday falls, there will be something worth celebrating with people i want to celebrate with.
~k
05 October 2013
being numb
my husband is still here. it's not so easy to make a clean break with a new baby gestating. and whilst there are times that things are okay, bordering even on "better," mostly i cope and get through the day(s) by maintaining a consistently numb demeanor. and the numbness isn't isolated to my exterior. i feel it on the inside too.
i can't invest anything into a relationship that has brought me nothing but disappointment, but i also can't yet let go because i'm not so sure it's the best way to raise a family. and the only way to deal with all of it is to stay numb...and it scares me that i've become so effective that i can live this way without drugs or alcohol.
it scares me because i don't know how likely, or even possible, it will be to break out of this shell if and when the time comes. things are easier in here. i don't get frustrated. i don't get sad. i don't feel lonely or isolated or hopeless. i just feel nothing. and feeling nothing is a pretty safe way to live because there's simply no getting hurt.
and maybe i've experienced enough of the ups and downs life has to offer to just burrow inside the safety of a hardened shell for whatever time i have left. inside this shell, i can take care of the things i need to do, i can take care of my family, i can accomplish things at work, i can get through each day without getting caught up in drama or set back by disappointment or pain. and maybe it's enough to live...comfortably numb.
~k
i can't invest anything into a relationship that has brought me nothing but disappointment, but i also can't yet let go because i'm not so sure it's the best way to raise a family. and the only way to deal with all of it is to stay numb...and it scares me that i've become so effective that i can live this way without drugs or alcohol.
it scares me because i don't know how likely, or even possible, it will be to break out of this shell if and when the time comes. things are easier in here. i don't get frustrated. i don't get sad. i don't feel lonely or isolated or hopeless. i just feel nothing. and feeling nothing is a pretty safe way to live because there's simply no getting hurt.
and maybe i've experienced enough of the ups and downs life has to offer to just burrow inside the safety of a hardened shell for whatever time i have left. inside this shell, i can take care of the things i need to do, i can take care of my family, i can accomplish things at work, i can get through each day without getting caught up in drama or set back by disappointment or pain. and maybe it's enough to live...comfortably numb.
~k
18 September 2013
~k
17 September 2013
the keys to happiness
(1) surround youself with happy people
(2) smile when you mean it
(3) cultivate resilience “fall seven times and stand up eight.”
(4) try to be happy
(5) be mindful of even the small successes each day
(6) appreciate the little things...every single day
(7) devote time to giving
(8) lose track of time
(9) nix the small talk for meaningful conversation
(10) spend money on other people
(11) hold dear in-person connections
(12) look on the bright side
(13) value a good mix tape
(14) unplug...every day
(15) get spiritual
(16) exercise
(17) go outside
(18) get good sleep
(19) laugh out loud
(20) walk with a spring in your step
i think i can...i think i can...i think i can...i think i can.
~k
(2) smile when you mean it
(3) cultivate resilience “fall seven times and stand up eight.”
(4) try to be happy
(5) be mindful of even the small successes each day
(6) appreciate the little things...every single day
(7) devote time to giving
(8) lose track of time
(9) nix the small talk for meaningful conversation
(10) spend money on other people
(11) hold dear in-person connections
(12) look on the bright side
(13) value a good mix tape
(14) unplug...every day
(15) get spiritual
(16) exercise
(17) go outside
(18) get good sleep
(19) laugh out loud
(20) walk with a spring in your step
i think i can...i think i can...i think i can...i think i can.
~k
28 August 2013
22 August 2013
exploring my feelings
i'm reading this book for a work project...it's called 'difficult conversations' and it's a lot about feelings and the importance of recognizing and admitting feelings and the role they play in our approaches to our conversations. i'm at a part about hard-to-find feelings and i'm going to explore them a bit here...mostly because i don't really think i have a problem recognizing and expressing feelings, but because i'm feeling a little bit of self-doubt right now--about a lot of things--i'm gonna take a gander.
love - i love my daughter more than anything. hugging her, holding her, and hanging out with her are my favorite moments.
anger - i am royally pissed at my husband for ignoring me, my feelings, and my needs since i gave up my life to move here to be with him.
hurt - i am also very hurt and disappointed that he didn't start paying attention to me and my needs until i shut off my feelings for him...and, ultimately, didn't bother until it was too late for me.
shame - i feel guilty that i've let him cling to hope that this marriage had any chance of working out, when deep down, i've known for a while that it's over for me. i also feel terrible for hurting him. i'm even mad at myself for letting him (and me) think that we were ever a good match.
fear - i am terrified of raising two kids on my own. in fact, i am so scared of being a single mom that i would almost rather live with the anger, hurt and shame that accompanies life with my husband.
self-doubt - the reason i'm so scared of being a single mom is because i don't know if i have the temperament, patience, and motivation to handle all of the ups and downs of life with a toddler and an infant all by myself.
joy - this is something i don't often feel these days. the rare moments of joy i have are with my daughter...when she responds to my request for "a hug for mommy" by running up to me and putting her arms around me. o.m.g.
sadness - i am pretty fucking depressed about the miserable downward spiral my marriage has become. i'm sad i'm so alone. i'm sad that i feel like i don't have really good friends to help me through this and that i have to somehow find a way to get through this awful time.
jealousy - yeah, i am not feeling much envy right now.
gratitude - i'm grateful for the small gestures of frienship i get from the people who do care about me. i'm so thankful that my daughter is smart, healthy and beautiful. and i'm so appreciative that i have a good job that i really like that will allow me to financially handle being a single mom.
loneliness - well shit, i've been lonely since the day i moved to st. louis...to a husband that hasn't been a friend or confidante, to a place where i have had no close friends or family, and where i've had to fight for everything i do have. and i'm feeling very lonely now...i'd even go so far as to say i feel like i have no one.
my feelings may be complex, but at least i'm feeling them.
~k
love - i love my daughter more than anything. hugging her, holding her, and hanging out with her are my favorite moments.
anger - i am royally pissed at my husband for ignoring me, my feelings, and my needs since i gave up my life to move here to be with him.
hurt - i am also very hurt and disappointed that he didn't start paying attention to me and my needs until i shut off my feelings for him...and, ultimately, didn't bother until it was too late for me.
shame - i feel guilty that i've let him cling to hope that this marriage had any chance of working out, when deep down, i've known for a while that it's over for me. i also feel terrible for hurting him. i'm even mad at myself for letting him (and me) think that we were ever a good match.
fear - i am terrified of raising two kids on my own. in fact, i am so scared of being a single mom that i would almost rather live with the anger, hurt and shame that accompanies life with my husband.
self-doubt - the reason i'm so scared of being a single mom is because i don't know if i have the temperament, patience, and motivation to handle all of the ups and downs of life with a toddler and an infant all by myself.
joy - this is something i don't often feel these days. the rare moments of joy i have are with my daughter...when she responds to my request for "a hug for mommy" by running up to me and putting her arms around me. o.m.g.
sadness - i am pretty fucking depressed about the miserable downward spiral my marriage has become. i'm sad i'm so alone. i'm sad that i feel like i don't have really good friends to help me through this and that i have to somehow find a way to get through this awful time.
jealousy - yeah, i am not feeling much envy right now.
gratitude - i'm grateful for the small gestures of frienship i get from the people who do care about me. i'm so thankful that my daughter is smart, healthy and beautiful. and i'm so appreciative that i have a good job that i really like that will allow me to financially handle being a single mom.
loneliness - well shit, i've been lonely since the day i moved to st. louis...to a husband that hasn't been a friend or confidante, to a place where i have had no close friends or family, and where i've had to fight for everything i do have. and i'm feeling very lonely now...i'd even go so far as to say i feel like i have no one.
my feelings may be complex, but at least i'm feeling them.
~k
21 August 2013
documenting pregnancy
i thought it would be neat to document my pregnancy, to look back fondly on this magical time of creating a life. but there's nothing magical about a 6-week bout with the flu. and that's what this is. for the past six weeks, i've been a barfy zombie.
and that is all.
~k
and that is all.
~k
11 August 2013
knowing when to say goodbye
i'm really sad. i'm sad that my marriage is over and i feel terrible that i've hurt my husband. it almost feels worse to hurt him than all the hurt i've suffered for him. and as much as i wanted to give him hope that there may be a future for us, i can't do that and be true to myself at the same time. i know it's over for me. too much pain, too much disappointment, too much heartache for me to get past.
the thing that makes this so hard is that he wants to try. he will do [almost] anything to make this work, to make it up to me, to make our marriage work. and i feel soooooo guilty that i don't have it in me to give him the opportunity. i've spent the last two years begging him to give me all of the things i've asked (pay attention to me, ask me how my day was, show some interest in me, my friends, my work, my life, what makes me tick), and he couldn't do it.
fuck, he couldn't even ask me how my day was. and how's a girl supposed to interpret that? i'll tell you...when he doesn't ask how my day was, after i've repeatedly told me how much it hurts me that he doesn't ask, it says two things. one, it says he doesn't give a shit about my day. and two, it says that he doesn't give a shit that it matters to me that he asks after my day. and as much as people may judge me for giving up too soon, for not trying hard enough, for not giving him the chance he deserves, i've suffered so much that i can't take any fucking more.
i don't have it in me to give anything else. i gave up my whole entire life to move here to start a life with him. i gave up my friends, my network, my foreign service ambition, my fabby DC life. and i moved here for someone i thought loved me as madly as i loved him. and he claims he does...but just can't show it. on top of that, his parents have treated me as though i've brought the plague down on their family...after giving his mom "the wedding of her dreams" at the expense of me getting the wedding of my nightmares. nothing i did, nothing i gave (which was every fucking thing i had and then some) was ever enough. and i've just got nothing left to give.
i'm hurt, angry, and scared as fuck (i mean, jesus, how am i going to do with by myself with two kids?). and as guilty as i feel for hurting him...i know what i have to do for me, for my sanity and happiness, and that's to start moving forward with my life. it's time to start taking care of me.
~k
the thing that makes this so hard is that he wants to try. he will do [almost] anything to make this work, to make it up to me, to make our marriage work. and i feel soooooo guilty that i don't have it in me to give him the opportunity. i've spent the last two years begging him to give me all of the things i've asked (pay attention to me, ask me how my day was, show some interest in me, my friends, my work, my life, what makes me tick), and he couldn't do it.
fuck, he couldn't even ask me how my day was. and how's a girl supposed to interpret that? i'll tell you...when he doesn't ask how my day was, after i've repeatedly told me how much it hurts me that he doesn't ask, it says two things. one, it says he doesn't give a shit about my day. and two, it says that he doesn't give a shit that it matters to me that he asks after my day. and as much as people may judge me for giving up too soon, for not trying hard enough, for not giving him the chance he deserves, i've suffered so much that i can't take any fucking more.
i don't have it in me to give anything else. i gave up my whole entire life to move here to start a life with him. i gave up my friends, my network, my foreign service ambition, my fabby DC life. and i moved here for someone i thought loved me as madly as i loved him. and he claims he does...but just can't show it. on top of that, his parents have treated me as though i've brought the plague down on their family...after giving his mom "the wedding of her dreams" at the expense of me getting the wedding of my nightmares. nothing i did, nothing i gave (which was every fucking thing i had and then some) was ever enough. and i've just got nothing left to give.
i'm hurt, angry, and scared as fuck (i mean, jesus, how am i going to do with by myself with two kids?). and as guilty as i feel for hurting him...i know what i have to do for me, for my sanity and happiness, and that's to start moving forward with my life. it's time to start taking care of me.
~k
01 August 2013
life is hard
being pregnant is pretty much the worst. i am sick and tired, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. i have no energy to deal with work, with my husband, and barely any energy left for my beautiful daughter. and as much as i really did want to make this marriage work...there's just no way.
my husband has been with me to see my shrink the last two sessions, because even though i said before that it had to end, i still can't help but feel like i owe it to my kid(s) to give them the family they deserve. but i can't give them a family if i'm a miserable, hateful, sad woman. they deserve better than that. tonight, my husband had to leave the appointment early, to pick up baby, and after he left, the shrink said that she doesn't think he even understands how to consider anyone else's feelings...and that he will have to learn before he can fulfill my needs...and that would take a lot of time and patience on my part.
but i have no patience to give to someone who needs to learn how to consider others' feelings. i mean, what the fuck kind of human being can get into his 30's and not understand that others have feelings that matter? and what kind of person waits around to teach the unteachable and suffers while he figures it out...IF he can even figure it out?
not me. i'm way too selfish for that. and my self is already dying on the vine, and i don't have any additional time or energy to devote to what seems like a total lost cause.
~k
my husband has been with me to see my shrink the last two sessions, because even though i said before that it had to end, i still can't help but feel like i owe it to my kid(s) to give them the family they deserve. but i can't give them a family if i'm a miserable, hateful, sad woman. they deserve better than that. tonight, my husband had to leave the appointment early, to pick up baby, and after he left, the shrink said that she doesn't think he even understands how to consider anyone else's feelings...and that he will have to learn before he can fulfill my needs...and that would take a lot of time and patience on my part.
but i have no patience to give to someone who needs to learn how to consider others' feelings. i mean, what the fuck kind of human being can get into his 30's and not understand that others have feelings that matter? and what kind of person waits around to teach the unteachable and suffers while he figures it out...IF he can even figure it out?
not me. i'm way too selfish for that. and my self is already dying on the vine, and i don't have any additional time or energy to devote to what seems like a total lost cause.
~k
15 July 2013
the end has come
i went to see a counselor today. when i called last week to make the appointment, the only thing i was seeking was to make sure i wanted to leave my husband for the right reasons. that i wasn't so hurt and angry at some other force in my life while putting all of the blame on him...or if i really did feel like he is the source of all of the agony i feel on a daily basis.
i honestly don't know why i even needed to ask. i'm happy at work, happy with my friends, happy with my daughter, happy with the community i'm starting to build for myself in this city-ish, and i feel like i'm making a difference in my small piece of the world...like what i'm doing matters. and then i come home and i'm sad, disappointed, hurt and angry. seems like a no-brainer, right?
i went to the counselor today and when she asked how i felt about my husband, i said that while i think he's a wonderful person, he's not that way for me. he's just not man enough for me, that i don't love him or respect him, and i'm miserable in my marriage with him. she told me that life was too short and that i needed to leave him. a week ago, that's exactly what i would've wanted to hear.
but today...i just found out this morning that i'm pregnant. and what should be happy news...it isn't happy news. i called in sick today at work so i could try to wrap my mind around this, what i'm going to do, how i'm going to make my miserable marriage work for the sake of our growing family. i went to see my counselor to tell her i need to find a way to make this work...and when i left i felt hopeful.
after telling her how much i hated him, i then spent the rest of the session defending him, pointing out that he's been trying lately (maybe too little too late, but trying nevertheless), and that i really really really wanted to make this marriage work. that if it doesn't work, i will leave, but that i owe it to myself and my kid(s) to give it a good effort.
but tonight...ever since i left the counselor's office, things have been awful. i suggested that we go out to dinner to celebrate the baby, and he responds, "i'm not hungry" (please, if he didn't live here, our grocery bill would be 60% less). instead of asking how things went with the counselor, it was "did you tell her what a bitch you are to me?" like...why do i even want to try to make it work with someone i don't love...when he treats me like this?
so, i'm done. he has to move out or i have to move out. and really, it has to be him. at least for now. we can sell the house when things settled down after the next baby, and i'll move to the city, maybe even hire a nanny so i have enough help to make this work. but i know my marriage is over. i can't keep wasting my energy on something and someone that makes me feel so horrible.
life is too short...and i have two little lives that need all of the positive energy i can spare.
~k
i honestly don't know why i even needed to ask. i'm happy at work, happy with my friends, happy with my daughter, happy with the community i'm starting to build for myself in this city-ish, and i feel like i'm making a difference in my small piece of the world...like what i'm doing matters. and then i come home and i'm sad, disappointed, hurt and angry. seems like a no-brainer, right?
i went to the counselor today and when she asked how i felt about my husband, i said that while i think he's a wonderful person, he's not that way for me. he's just not man enough for me, that i don't love him or respect him, and i'm miserable in my marriage with him. she told me that life was too short and that i needed to leave him. a week ago, that's exactly what i would've wanted to hear.
but today...i just found out this morning that i'm pregnant. and what should be happy news...it isn't happy news. i called in sick today at work so i could try to wrap my mind around this, what i'm going to do, how i'm going to make my miserable marriage work for the sake of our growing family. i went to see my counselor to tell her i need to find a way to make this work...and when i left i felt hopeful.
after telling her how much i hated him, i then spent the rest of the session defending him, pointing out that he's been trying lately (maybe too little too late, but trying nevertheless), and that i really really really wanted to make this marriage work. that if it doesn't work, i will leave, but that i owe it to myself and my kid(s) to give it a good effort.
but tonight...ever since i left the counselor's office, things have been awful. i suggested that we go out to dinner to celebrate the baby, and he responds, "i'm not hungry" (please, if he didn't live here, our grocery bill would be 60% less). instead of asking how things went with the counselor, it was "did you tell her what a bitch you are to me?" like...why do i even want to try to make it work with someone i don't love...when he treats me like this?
so, i'm done. he has to move out or i have to move out. and really, it has to be him. at least for now. we can sell the house when things settled down after the next baby, and i'll move to the city, maybe even hire a nanny so i have enough help to make this work. but i know my marriage is over. i can't keep wasting my energy on something and someone that makes me feel so horrible.
life is too short...and i have two little lives that need all of the positive energy i can spare.
~k
11 July 2013
losing power
"power is the ability to take your intention into reality and sustain it" (per warren bennis). if that's the case, i am one powerless mother fucker.
good gawd, how in the world do i get back to realizing my life's intentions?
~k
good gawd, how in the world do i get back to realizing my life's intentions?
~k
05 July 2013
the husband problem
another thing i struggle with when thinking about another baby...i don't really like my husband that much.
he's a wonderful person. sweet, kind, patient, a good provider. and he's super hot to boot. he's the kind of guy many girls dream of having. but i'm not like those girls.
i want a man. someone strong, ambitious, articulate. someone who engages me intellectually, emotionally and physically. someone who has more patience than me, but who can hold me hostage to my best me.
i don't have that. my husband is emotionally disengaged, doesn't pay attention, doesn't ask me about my day, my friends, or my work. he doesn't seem to care enough about anything that doesn't directly impact him to engage me (or probably anyone) on any level that's important to me.
if i had known him, really known him, there's no way i would have moved her for him, and certainly wouldn't've married him. but i did. and now we have a family and a mortgage, and things are too complicated to just pack up and bounce.
i know that anyone reading this is saying to themselves, "clearly you shouldn't even be thinking about another baby if you're this unhappy with your marriage," but i still have my baby to think about. is she better off with a sibling...especially if i ultimately reach my breaking point and flee this disappointing and draining relationship?
i just don't know.
~k
he's a wonderful person. sweet, kind, patient, a good provider. and he's super hot to boot. he's the kind of guy many girls dream of having. but i'm not like those girls.
i want a man. someone strong, ambitious, articulate. someone who engages me intellectually, emotionally and physically. someone who has more patience than me, but who can hold me hostage to my best me.
i don't have that. my husband is emotionally disengaged, doesn't pay attention, doesn't ask me about my day, my friends, or my work. he doesn't seem to care enough about anything that doesn't directly impact him to engage me (or probably anyone) on any level that's important to me.
if i had known him, really known him, there's no way i would have moved her for him, and certainly wouldn't've married him. but i did. and now we have a family and a mortgage, and things are too complicated to just pack up and bounce.
i know that anyone reading this is saying to themselves, "clearly you shouldn't even be thinking about another baby if you're this unhappy with your marriage," but i still have my baby to think about. is she better off with a sibling...especially if i ultimately reach my breaking point and flee this disappointing and draining relationship?
i just don't know.
~k
03 July 2013
to have or not to have
this whole second baby thing...i really have no idea what to do. i go back and forth, struggle internally and sometimes externally, and i just don't know what's right.
on the one hand, i feel like my daughter should have a sibling. parents with only children tell me all the time that they wish they'd given their child a playmate, that vacations would be more fun, that even quiet time would be better for the kid.
most only children loved being only children and wouldn't've wanted a sibling. most...but certainly not all. i know a few only children who still hate that they don't have siblings.
but then there's me. i'm already in waaaaay over my head with this whole parenting thing. i love my daughter more than anything. _she_ is my number one bucket list item: the exact baby i always dreamed of having is the baby she is. from her personality to her love of hugs and snuggles to her adventurous spirit and chatty little boca, she is my wildest dream in the flesh. and life with her is so much better than life without.
but it's also harder.
life is more difficult to schedule and manage, it's way more complicated to travel, and everything is unpredictable from one day to the next. all things that make me very uncomfortable. to add another tiny human in to the mix may very well topple what little sanity i've managed to cling to.
but is it unfair to deprive the love of my life of a sibling?
i have no answer...and don't know where to find one.
~k
on the one hand, i feel like my daughter should have a sibling. parents with only children tell me all the time that they wish they'd given their child a playmate, that vacations would be more fun, that even quiet time would be better for the kid.
most only children loved being only children and wouldn't've wanted a sibling. most...but certainly not all. i know a few only children who still hate that they don't have siblings.
but then there's me. i'm already in waaaaay over my head with this whole parenting thing. i love my daughter more than anything. _she_ is my number one bucket list item: the exact baby i always dreamed of having is the baby she is. from her personality to her love of hugs and snuggles to her adventurous spirit and chatty little boca, she is my wildest dream in the flesh. and life with her is so much better than life without.
but it's also harder.
life is more difficult to schedule and manage, it's way more complicated to travel, and everything is unpredictable from one day to the next. all things that make me very uncomfortable. to add another tiny human in to the mix may very well topple what little sanity i've managed to cling to.
but is it unfair to deprive the love of my life of a sibling?
i have no answer...and don't know where to find one.
~k
24 June 2013
the evil within
i have moments that i can't shake the feeling that i'm really not supposed to be here. i mean, how in the fuck did i end up someone's wife, someone's mother...in a suburban mcmansion? in these moments, i think about packing just what will fit in my car and running as far and as fast as i can.
i. seriously. think. about. fleeing. a. family. i. created.
what kind of horrible person am i?
~k
i. seriously. think. about. fleeing. a. family. i. created.
what kind of horrible person am i?
~k
16 June 2013
the road not taken
when i met my husband, i was mending a broken heart and moving from los angeles to washington, dc. i had taken and passed the foreign service test, and was sooooo excited with the prospect of being the global citizen i'd dreamed of being. i thought i was going to be a part of making the world a better place, one diplomatic effort at a time.
my only concern was missing my baby window. more than anything else in the whole entire world, i wanted a baby. and i was 35, single, no prospects for love, and hearing every single tic and toc of my biological clock.
so when i met my husband and he offered me the opportunity to be mommy, i didn't even stop to consider how giving up all the rest would impact me in the long run. and here i am, three years later, living in a city-ish with terrible weather in the middle of america. i have my insta-family, but none of the adventure and world-changing i thought would define professional me.
and every single day, i ask "what if". and as much as i love my beautiful baby girl, i can't help but wonder if i was meant to take the road less traveled and let fear steer me astray.
~k
my only concern was missing my baby window. more than anything else in the whole entire world, i wanted a baby. and i was 35, single, no prospects for love, and hearing every single tic and toc of my biological clock.
so when i met my husband and he offered me the opportunity to be mommy, i didn't even stop to consider how giving up all the rest would impact me in the long run. and here i am, three years later, living in a city-ish with terrible weather in the middle of america. i have my insta-family, but none of the adventure and world-changing i thought would define professional me.
and every single day, i ask "what if". and as much as i love my beautiful baby girl, i can't help but wonder if i was meant to take the road less traveled and let fear steer me astray.
~k
14 June 2013
where to begin
this is my second attempt at a blog. though it was at another time and place in my life, my first blog was one of my greater successes...until it wasn't anymore. i lost my voice. probably because i lost my way. i chose a path in life i didn't see coming, and once on the way, wasn't sure i'd chosen wisely. honestly, i'm still not sure. but i'm here and i'm here to stay. so this is the beginning of my journey from acceptance to appreciation and hopefully to love.
one blog post at a time...
~k
one blog post at a time...
~k
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