the end.

"you have never looked this good" said my shrink today.

and it has been a long time since i've felt this good.  being away from all the negativity and stress, in my own space...my own very clean space, and both all in and all out with the kids, i just feel free.  and in a way that's necessary for my happiness.

my kids are so amazing.  Bella is so interesting and interested in the world, shy but sassy, insistent and independent.  and Liam...that kid's going to be trouble, but sweet, cuddley, clever.  it is so interesting to watch them grow into their personalities and minds.  they are cool.  i'm so grateful for them and to them.  and i want nothing more than to do right by them, to prepare them to be successful, thoughtful, kind people...accepting of their own and others' flaws.  better than me.

for all that i've hated about my life here (my commute, my ex and his family, winter), there is so much more that i love.  i have _good_ friends, a great house on a fat chunk of grass, a job i couldn't possibly be any more giddy about, two tiny loves of my life, and i feel and look good!

guess i have learned to appreciate the path i've chosen...and gone even a step further and fallen in love with the life i've found along the way.  it's kind of lame because i love writing and would like to have a reason to write more, but gushing about my happy life ain't gonna bring me any joy.

so i have to find a new topic...and a new blog.  

~k

and then it comes

one of my dearest friends came to visit from LA this past weekend.  it was the most perfect weekend st. louis has ever had to offer.  autumn was in fullest glory.  and holy shitballs...it was like 80 beautiful degrees!

and it was one of those weekends where you pick up right where you left off...four years ago.  there was a fun and lively walk down memory lane, lots of catching up on the good, the bad and the ugly, and the settling in of perspective.

i could breathe, i could laugh, i could enjoy a big chunk of my past with someone i understood and someone who understood me.  and i saw two pictures of myself at times of genuine happiness...one when i was pregnant with Bella, and one i'd taken earlier that day, book-ending three years of forced smiles and shadows of an unhappy darkness.

wow.  that blew me away.  the juxtaposition of the recent photos and the two from then and now.  and the reality sinking in that i'm finally happy, genuinely and deeply.  i'm sure there was even an extra spring in my step today.  and there will be for many more days to come.

~k

looking for the light

i have moments of true bliss, more of them now than when i lived with the husband, but i also have my moments of despair.  i don't know what sparks them, nor do i know why, but i have them now and again.  today in fact.

there's just too much going on.  divorce, a new house with something new to be fixed every day...never something cheap, learning to be a single parent, and just way too much going on at work.  i feel like i'm juggling too many balls for one person, and i just don't know how long i can keep them all in the air.

i know that once things calm down a little bit i'm going to be in a good, happy, peaceful place.  i just can't see through the storm to find the calm.  and i really need it...and i need it soon.  

~k

taking a new turn

i just re-read my last post, dated march 16th of this year...and my how things have changed!  though i'm ever more mad about that perfect baby boy, my marriage did flush itself down the drain to divorce, and i've begun anew.

two weeks ago today i closed on my first home purchase.  the next day i moved out of my marital home and into my very own sanctuary.  and i've spent the last couple of weeks finding the comfort i seek in my home, whilst trying to adjust to only having my children 50% of the time.

i honestly truly believed that i wouldn't miss those kids.  they're demanding, high maintenance, and operate at a speed i cannot match.  but they are also sweet, funny, fun, and the brightest lights in my life.  the 5 days every other week they spend with their dad, i spend fighting back tears at every turn.  i miss them terribly, even after they've run me ragged 5 days in a row.

i have no idea where this new road will lead.  i don't know which friends will help me through, which communities will keep my heart, or when, where, and how new friends, communities, and opportunities will happen.  but i do know i'm ready.  and while i do not foresee an easy end to 2014, i am planning to march through a festive and interesting 2015 and beyond.

hopefully my new life will inspire me to write to relive its beauty right here at brand new ending.  and hope forever springs eternal...

~k  

on the upside of life

pregnancy is not easy for me.  the hormones make me crazy, the weight gain and gait change are very hard on my already compromised body, and the physical and emotional demands of creating life push me to the very edge of my facility.

and for a host of additional reasons, this pregnancy was particularly traumatizing.  it began with the gloom of a marriage falling apart, coupled with fear of being a single parent, and a lingering doubt that i would even be capable of loving another child.  and as those nine months progressed, all of the above seemed to fall deeper and deeper into despondency (i mean, shit, this whole blog has been a tale of irremediable woe).

and then it wasn't.

i don't even really know how or why or even what happened.  it just wasn't anymore.

my marriage turned a corner into brighter light.  i can't say for certain that it will work out in the end, but things are not only working right now, they are good.  my husband even bought me a new engagement ring to replace the one we had to return to his mother, and depending on the health of our relationship over the next few months, a new wedding band will be forthcoming.

my company made my last several weeks of pregnancy bearable by giving me a great deal of flexibility to work from home and take it easy at the office.  we hired a nanny to start a few weeks before i'm scheduled to return to work.  this never-ending winter is finally starting to break.  and two days ago, i gave birth to the most perfect little man i could ever have imagined...a little man i have fallen head over heels in love with.

life is back where mine is meant to be...on the upside.   and i mean to keep it here.  i have too much to be grateful for...and grateful is how i choose to live my life.

~k

a surreal start to life

i had a scehduled c-section yesterday morning (scheduled because my daughter's birth ended in the operating room two years ago), and it was such a surreal experience i really need to work to wrap my mind around it.

firstly, there's something almost too calm in the lead up to a scheduled birth.  i mean, it never even really occurred to me (at least not enough to have a back-up plan) that things wouldn't go exactly as planned.  which means, i worked right up until yesterday morning, ran two days worth of mock trials for my lawyers, wrapped up my work week by catching up on the last few commitments i'd made, went home, did some laundry, packed my bag, and went to bed normally (though sleep itself wasn't really happening).

and then, at 4:30, i got out of bed, went through my normal morning routine, and made it to the hospital by 5:30 am.  at the hospital, it was two hours worth of prep work (iv, blood work, and chats with the doctors and nurses), answering questions, and filling out administrative paperwork.  then i was rolled back into the OR where the anesthesiologist spent 20 minutes torturing me with a spine block (it was so uncomfortable and upsetting, being prodded and poked, that i couldn't stop myself from bawling through the whole thing). and it was the first time i was really scared and wondered if i'd made the wrong decision by opting for the c-section.

and then to be awake and lucid while my doctor and her helpers cut me open, wrestled around with things inside my body (i couldn't feel what they were doing but could feel the pressure of organs, ribs, and body parts being moved and shoved around), and then grabbing by stronghold and pulling out my baby...it was kind of awful.  and scary.  and painful.  

and then the baby came and i didn't even really get to see him because he was swept away for testing and cleaning, while i had to lie there feeling the pressure of the doctor putting my organs and body parts back into place and sewing me up.  via an uncomfortable neck crick, i could see the baby in the corner, getting cleaned and tested, while my husband held his hand...and all i could do was lie there and cry.

it wasn't a sad cry, but a relieved cry, a joyful cry, and even a little bit of a jealous cry.  i mean, i carried this baby around for nine months, painfully at times, and here he was, on the outside, within my line of vision, and everyone but me was getting time with him.  i wanted to meet and hold my fucking baby.

and then it happened.  as soon as my husband laid my baby on top of my chest, i fell madly in love with my new little man.  when he heard my voice, he opened his eyes for the first time and looked deeply into mine.  he knew i was mommy.  he recognized my voice and wanted to see me.  and that's when i knew it had all been worth it.  the horrible pregnancy, the horrible c-section morning, the fear and wonder of having another baby...looking into those tiny eyes that instantly recognized me as his person melted my heart and made everything make sense.

and now i'm in love all over again...

~k

summing up my marriage

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt

~k

the safety in an office

you know things are bad when being in the office at 6pm is more appealing than going home...

~k