the end has come

i went to see a counselor today.  when i called last week to make the appointment, the only thing i was seeking was to make sure i wanted to leave my husband for the right reasons.  that i wasn't so hurt and angry at some other force in my life while putting all of the blame on him...or if i really did feel like he is the source of all of the agony i feel on a daily basis.

i honestly don't know why i even needed to ask.  i'm happy at work, happy with my friends, happy with my daughter, happy with the community i'm starting to build for myself in this city-ish, and i feel like i'm making a difference in my small piece of the world...like what i'm doing matters.  and then i come home and i'm sad, disappointed, hurt and angry.  seems like a no-brainer, right?

i went to the counselor today and when she asked how i felt about my husband, i said that while i think he's a wonderful person, he's not that way for me.  he's just not man enough for me, that i don't love him or respect him, and i'm miserable in my marriage with him.  she told me that life was too short and that i needed to leave him.  a week ago, that's exactly what i would've wanted to hear.

but today...i just found out this morning that i'm pregnant.  and what should be happy news...it isn't happy news.  i called in sick today at work so i could try to wrap my mind around this, what i'm going to do, how i'm going to make my miserable marriage work for the sake of our growing family.  i went to see my counselor to tell her i need to find a way to make this work...and when i left i felt hopeful.

after telling her how much i hated him, i then spent the rest of the session defending him, pointing out that he's been trying lately (maybe too little too late, but trying nevertheless), and that i really really really wanted to make this marriage work.  that if it doesn't work, i will leave, but that i owe it to myself and my kid(s) to give it a good effort.

but tonight...ever since i left the counselor's office, things have been awful.  i suggested that we go out to dinner to celebrate the baby, and he responds, "i'm not hungry" (please, if he didn't live here, our grocery bill would be 60% less).  instead of asking how things went with the counselor, it was "did you tell her what a bitch you are to me?"  like...why do i even want to try to make it work with someone i don't love...when he treats me like this?

so, i'm done.  he has to move out or i have to move out.  and really, it has to be him.  at least for now.  we can sell the house when things settled down after the next baby, and i'll move to the city, maybe even hire a nanny so i have enough help to make this work.  but i know my marriage is over.  i can't keep wasting my energy on something and someone that makes me feel so horrible.

life is too short...and i have two little lives that need all of the positive energy i can spare.

~k

losing power

"power is the ability to take your intention into reality and sustain it" (per warren bennis).  if that's the case, i am one powerless mother fucker.

good gawd, how in the world do i get back to realizing my life's intentions?

~k

the husband problem

another thing i struggle with when thinking about another baby...i don't really like my husband that much.

he's a wonderful person.  sweet, kind, patient, a good provider.  and he's super hot to boot.  he's the kind of guy many girls dream of having.  but i'm not like those girls.

i want a man.  someone strong, ambitious, articulate.  someone who engages me intellectually, emotionally and physically.  someone who has more patience than me, but who can hold me hostage to my best me.

i don't have that.  my husband is emotionally disengaged, doesn't pay attention, doesn't ask me about my day, my friends, or my work.  he doesn't seem to care enough about anything that doesn't directly impact him to engage me (or probably anyone) on any level that's important to me.

if i had known him, really known him, there's no way i would have moved her for him, and certainly wouldn't've married him.  but i did.  and now we have a family and a mortgage, and things are too complicated to just pack up and bounce.

i know that anyone reading this is saying to themselves, "clearly you shouldn't even be thinking about another baby if you're this unhappy with your marriage," but i still have my baby to think about.  is she better off with a sibling...especially if i ultimately reach my breaking point and flee this disappointing and draining relationship?

i just don't know.

~k

to have or not to have

this whole second baby thing...i really have no idea what to do.  i go back and forth, struggle internally and sometimes externally, and i just don't know what's right.

on the one hand, i feel like my daughter should have a sibling.  parents with only children tell me all the time that they wish they'd given their child a playmate, that vacations would be more fun, that even quiet time would be better for the kid.

most only children loved being only children and wouldn't've wanted a sibling.  most...but certainly not all.  i know a few only children who still hate that they don't have siblings.

but then there's me.  i'm already in waaaaay over my head with this whole parenting thing.  i love my daughter more than anything.  _she_ is my number one bucket list item: the exact baby i always dreamed of having is the baby she is.  from her personality to her love of hugs and snuggles to her adventurous spirit and chatty little boca, she is my wildest dream in the flesh.  and life with her is so much better than life without.

but it's also harder.

life is more difficult to schedule and manage, it's way more complicated to travel, and everything is unpredictable from one day to the next.  all things that make me very uncomfortable.  to add another tiny human in to the mix may very well topple what little sanity i've managed to cling to.

but is it unfair to deprive the love of my life of a sibling?

i have no answer...and don't know where to find one.

~k