another thing i struggle with when thinking about another baby...i don't really like my husband that much.
he's a wonderful person. sweet, kind, patient, a good provider. and he's super hot to boot. he's the kind of guy many girls dream of having. but i'm not like those girls.
i want a man. someone strong, ambitious, articulate. someone who engages me intellectually, emotionally and physically. someone who has more patience than me, but who can hold me hostage to my best me.
i don't have that. my husband is emotionally disengaged, doesn't pay attention, doesn't ask me about my day, my friends, or my work. he doesn't seem to care enough about anything that doesn't directly impact him to engage me (or probably anyone) on any level that's important to me.
if i had known him, really known him, there's no way i would have moved her for him, and certainly wouldn't've married him. but i did. and now we have a family and a mortgage, and things are too complicated to just pack up and bounce.
i know that anyone reading this is saying to themselves, "clearly you shouldn't even be thinking about another baby if you're this unhappy with your marriage," but i still have my baby to think about. is she better off with a sibling...especially if i ultimately reach my breaking point and flee this disappointing and draining relationship?
i just don't know.
~k
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