the end has come

i went to see a counselor today.  when i called last week to make the appointment, the only thing i was seeking was to make sure i wanted to leave my husband for the right reasons.  that i wasn't so hurt and angry at some other force in my life while putting all of the blame on him...or if i really did feel like he is the source of all of the agony i feel on a daily basis.

i honestly don't know why i even needed to ask.  i'm happy at work, happy with my friends, happy with my daughter, happy with the community i'm starting to build for myself in this city-ish, and i feel like i'm making a difference in my small piece of the world...like what i'm doing matters.  and then i come home and i'm sad, disappointed, hurt and angry.  seems like a no-brainer, right?

i went to the counselor today and when she asked how i felt about my husband, i said that while i think he's a wonderful person, he's not that way for me.  he's just not man enough for me, that i don't love him or respect him, and i'm miserable in my marriage with him.  she told me that life was too short and that i needed to leave him.  a week ago, that's exactly what i would've wanted to hear.

but today...i just found out this morning that i'm pregnant.  and what should be happy news...it isn't happy news.  i called in sick today at work so i could try to wrap my mind around this, what i'm going to do, how i'm going to make my miserable marriage work for the sake of our growing family.  i went to see my counselor to tell her i need to find a way to make this work...and when i left i felt hopeful.

after telling her how much i hated him, i then spent the rest of the session defending him, pointing out that he's been trying lately (maybe too little too late, but trying nevertheless), and that i really really really wanted to make this marriage work.  that if it doesn't work, i will leave, but that i owe it to myself and my kid(s) to give it a good effort.

but tonight...ever since i left the counselor's office, things have been awful.  i suggested that we go out to dinner to celebrate the baby, and he responds, "i'm not hungry" (please, if he didn't live here, our grocery bill would be 60% less).  instead of asking how things went with the counselor, it was "did you tell her what a bitch you are to me?"  like...why do i even want to try to make it work with someone i don't love...when he treats me like this?

so, i'm done.  he has to move out or i have to move out.  and really, it has to be him.  at least for now.  we can sell the house when things settled down after the next baby, and i'll move to the city, maybe even hire a nanny so i have enough help to make this work.  but i know my marriage is over.  i can't keep wasting my energy on something and someone that makes me feel so horrible.

life is too short...and i have two little lives that need all of the positive energy i can spare.

~k