and then it comes

one of my dearest friends came to visit from LA this past weekend.  it was the most perfect weekend st. louis has ever had to offer.  autumn was in fullest glory.  and holy shitballs...it was like 80 beautiful degrees!

and it was one of those weekends where you pick up right where you left off...four years ago.  there was a fun and lively walk down memory lane, lots of catching up on the good, the bad and the ugly, and the settling in of perspective.

i could breathe, i could laugh, i could enjoy a big chunk of my past with someone i understood and someone who understood me.  and i saw two pictures of myself at times of genuine happiness...one when i was pregnant with Bella, and one i'd taken earlier that day, book-ending three years of forced smiles and shadows of an unhappy darkness.

wow.  that blew me away.  the juxtaposition of the recent photos and the two from then and now.  and the reality sinking in that i'm finally happy, genuinely and deeply.  i'm sure there was even an extra spring in my step today.  and there will be for many more days to come.

~k

looking for the light

i have moments of true bliss, more of them now than when i lived with the husband, but i also have my moments of despair.  i don't know what sparks them, nor do i know why, but i have them now and again.  today in fact.

there's just too much going on.  divorce, a new house with something new to be fixed every day...never something cheap, learning to be a single parent, and just way too much going on at work.  i feel like i'm juggling too many balls for one person, and i just don't know how long i can keep them all in the air.

i know that once things calm down a little bit i'm going to be in a good, happy, peaceful place.  i just can't see through the storm to find the calm.  and i really need it...and i need it soon.  

~k

taking a new turn

i just re-read my last post, dated march 16th of this year...and my how things have changed!  though i'm ever more mad about that perfect baby boy, my marriage did flush itself down the drain to divorce, and i've begun anew.

two weeks ago today i closed on my first home purchase.  the next day i moved out of my marital home and into my very own sanctuary.  and i've spent the last couple of weeks finding the comfort i seek in my home, whilst trying to adjust to only having my children 50% of the time.

i honestly truly believed that i wouldn't miss those kids.  they're demanding, high maintenance, and operate at a speed i cannot match.  but they are also sweet, funny, fun, and the brightest lights in my life.  the 5 days every other week they spend with their dad, i spend fighting back tears at every turn.  i miss them terribly, even after they've run me ragged 5 days in a row.

i have no idea where this new road will lead.  i don't know which friends will help me through, which communities will keep my heart, or when, where, and how new friends, communities, and opportunities will happen.  but i do know i'm ready.  and while i do not foresee an easy end to 2014, i am planning to march through a festive and interesting 2015 and beyond.

hopefully my new life will inspire me to write to relive its beauty right here at brand new ending.  and hope forever springs eternal...

~k