i had a scehduled c-section yesterday morning (scheduled because my daughter's birth ended in the operating room two years ago), and it was such a surreal experience i really need to work to wrap my mind around it.
firstly, there's something almost too calm in the lead up to a scheduled birth. i mean, it never even really occurred to me (at least not enough to have a back-up plan) that things wouldn't go exactly as planned. which means, i worked right up until yesterday morning, ran two days worth of mock trials for my lawyers, wrapped up my work week by catching up on the last few commitments i'd made, went home, did some laundry, packed my bag, and went to bed normally (though sleep itself wasn't really happening).
and then, at 4:30, i got out of bed, went through my normal morning routine, and made it to the hospital by 5:30 am. at the hospital, it was two hours worth of prep work (iv, blood work, and chats with the doctors and nurses), answering questions, and filling out administrative paperwork. then i was rolled back into the OR where the anesthesiologist spent 20 minutes torturing me with a spine block (it was so uncomfortable and upsetting, being prodded and poked, that i couldn't stop myself from bawling through the whole thing). and it was the first time i was really scared and wondered if i'd made the wrong decision by opting for the c-section.
and then to be awake and lucid while my doctor and her helpers cut me open, wrestled around with things inside my body (i couldn't feel what they were doing but could feel the pressure of organs, ribs, and body parts being moved and shoved around), and then grabbing by stronghold and pulling out my baby...it was kind of awful. and scary. and painful.
and then the baby came and i didn't even really get to see him because he was swept away for testing and cleaning, while i had to lie there feeling the pressure of the doctor putting my organs and body parts back into place and sewing me up. via an uncomfortable neck crick, i could see the baby in the corner, getting cleaned and tested, while my husband held his hand...and all i could do was lie there and cry.
it wasn't a sad cry, but a relieved cry, a joyful cry, and even a little bit of a jealous cry. i mean, i carried this baby around for nine months, painfully at times, and here he was, on the outside, within my line of vision, and everyone but me was getting time with him. i wanted to meet and hold my fucking baby.
and then it happened. as soon as my husband laid my baby on top of my chest, i fell madly in love with my new little man. when he heard my voice, he opened his eyes for the first time and looked deeply into mine. he knew i was mommy. he recognized my voice and wanted to see me. and that's when i knew it had all been worth it. the horrible pregnancy, the horrible c-section morning, the fear and wonder of having another baby...looking into those tiny eyes that instantly recognized me as his person melted my heart and made everything make sense.
and now i'm in love all over again...
~k
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