a perfect ending

it's new years eve and i'm alone...an apropos ending to my 2013.

i'm sad.  i'm not sad that i'm spending new years alone.  it's the state of my life that makes me sad.  and that that's what i've chosen to focus on tonight makes me even more sad.

i try so hard to be grateful for all the wonderful i have in my life...because there is so much to be grateful for.  there really is.  i feel like i've listed it all here a million times, and even making the list in my head and seeing how long and fruitful it is makes me feel like such a whiney little bitch for spending my new years crying about the one thing that makes me suffer such misery when i've soooo many other things that should make me happy.  but alas, it is what it is.

i'm in a loveless marriage, one without friendship, respect, mutual appreciation, or even a simple little bit of empathy.  i'm seven months pregnant with a baby that further binds me to a man i cannot even stand to look at, much less be in the same room with, or have any inkling of a desire to spend this most special of evenings with.  which is why it's so appropriate that i spend this night in the pleasure of my own company (and i will dry my tears and head to the couch with a tall glass of sparkling juice and some sinfully delightful snacks here in a bit...in an effort to find some way to focus on the brighter aspects of my life).

and then i will do my best to reflect on what's been right this year.  i have the best job i could ever ask for, with limitless possibilities, and a most satisfying paycheck.  my beautiful daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me.  the miracle of a new life is stirring in my belly.  i have a great house in a great neighborhood, bountiful friendships, and welcoming communities that give me opportunities to give back to my town.  basically, i have almost everything any person could ever want.

almost.

it's just that love thing.  that little thing that makes the world go round.  that little thing that people say is worth living in poverty and struggling every day to come home to.  and i wonder if getting him out of my life will free me to focus more on what i have to be grateful for.  that maybe being in his despicable company every day serves as a constant reminder of what could have been...with someone else.

my goal for 2014 is to figure out just that...and to make the right choices for my happiness and the serenity and health of my home and family.

onward.

~k