when i moved here, i had so much hope for the future. even thought i'd just been fired, i knew that it was just the universe's way of giving me the push i needed to do what was right for me.
i was so in love with you. i saw for myself the future you were offering. you were inviting me into your warm family, inviting me to build a home in the house you'd just bought, and promised me a life of love, family, and roots.
and i sailed here on that hope. i believed in the love i had for you and the love i thought you had for me. i believed that your family was going to welcome me into their hearts and lives, and i was so looking forward to making these bricks and mortar our home...and filling it with the sounds of the pitter patter of little feet.
and i got here and things were stressful. i didn't have a job, wasn't nearly as confident as i should have been that getting my job was in the bag, and i (as you know) didn't handle the stress well. i spent every day here, waiting for you to come home. i kept the house up, the laundry clean and folded, and made dinner most nights while waiting for you to get home from work. and every night when i heard the garage door open, my heart flipped a flop because i knew you'd be walking in that door in two seconds.
and then all the pieces started to fall into place. i got the job i still love, we were getting married and honeymooning the trip of a lifetime. even the wedding i didn't want, meant to keep peace in the family, wasn't getting me down. we were starting our life together and that's all that mattered.
except that isn't all that mattered. the news of Bella, followed by the downward spiral of your family, and our disastrous honeymoon all brought the euphoria of our new life crashing down. Bella came...and with her my greatest dream came true...and yet, things didn't get any better. they only deterioirated further.
my loneliness here continued unabated. despite my job, NLC, my new baby, i had no friends but you and i just wasn't getting what i needed from you. maybe i just need too much. maybe what i seek and demand isn't humanly possible. maybe i couldn't tell you in the right words what wasn't working for me, what i needed from you, and just how badly i was hurting.
but somewhere along the way, all that hope i felt when i moved here, all that love i felt for you, all that joy i embraced at the prospect of the life we were beginning together...it all died. and it died a long, painful, and slow death.
i still love my job. i love the this home. i love the community i've built for myself here...in this city and in this neighborhood. and i love my Bella more than anything in the world. i have a million things to be thankful for this holiday: my family, my daughter, my friends, my home, my job, and the resources to enjoy the best life has to offer.
but i have no love. and i can't keep trying to live the lie that it doesn't matter. i can't keep living with the person that serves as a constant reminder that i have no love. it just makes me resent you further and want to punish you all the more harshly. i'm sorry you've been fighting to save us when it's all been for naught. i hope you'll believe me that i long had hoped i would learn to love you again, would find a way to rekindle that fire that brought us together in the first place, that we would be able to bring the joy back into our family...and give our children a better life than i got to have. but it appears that such is not in the cards for us.
and i know you're angry and you don't believe me, but hopefully someday you will...that this all started with the best of intentions, a plentiful supply of hope, and love the likes of which the world rarely sees. and i'm sorry things are ending as they are. but hopefully we'll both emerge from this stronger, better people, and will be able to give our children the beautiful lives the deserve.
hope really does spring eternal.
~k
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