being numb

my husband is still here.  it's not so easy to make a clean break with a new baby gestating.  and whilst there are times that things are okay, bordering even on "better," mostly i cope and get through the day(s) by maintaining a consistently numb demeanor.  and the numbness isn't isolated to my exterior.  i feel it on the inside too.

i can't invest anything into a relationship that has brought me nothing but disappointment, but i also can't yet let go because i'm not so sure it's the best way to raise a family.  and the only way to deal with all of it is to stay numb...and it scares me that i've become so effective that i can live this way without drugs or alcohol.

it scares me because i don't know how likely, or even possible, it will be to break out of this shell if and when the time comes.  things are easier in here.  i don't get frustrated.  i don't get sad.  i don't feel lonely or isolated or hopeless.  i just feel nothing.  and feeling nothing is a pretty safe way to live because there's simply no getting hurt.

and maybe i've experienced enough of the ups and downs life has to offer to just burrow inside the safety of a hardened shell for whatever time i have left.  inside this shell, i can take care of the things i need to do, i can take care of my family, i can accomplish things at work, i can get through each day without getting caught up in drama or set back by disappointment or pain.  and maybe it's enough to live...comfortably numb.

~k