knowing when to say goodbye

i'm really sad.  i'm sad that my marriage is over and i feel terrible that i've hurt my husband.  it almost feels worse to hurt him than all the hurt i've suffered for him.  and as much as i wanted to give him hope that there may be a future for us, i can't do that and be true to myself at the same time.  i know it's over for me.  too much pain, too much disappointment, too much heartache for me to get past.

the thing that makes this so hard is that he wants to try.  he will do [almost] anything to make this work, to make it up to me, to make our marriage work.  and i feel soooooo guilty that i don't have it in me to give him the opportunity.  i've spent the last two years begging him to give me all of the things i've asked (pay attention to me, ask me how my day was, show some interest in me, my friends, my work, my life, what makes me tick), and he couldn't do it.

fuck, he couldn't even ask me how my day was.  and how's a girl supposed to interpret that?  i'll tell you...when he doesn't ask how my day was, after i've repeatedly told me how much it hurts me that he doesn't ask, it says two things.  one, it says he doesn't give a shit about my day.  and two, it says that he doesn't give a shit that it matters to me that he asks after my day.  and as much as people may judge me for giving up too soon, for not trying hard enough, for not giving him the chance he deserves, i've suffered so much that i can't take any fucking more.

i don't have it in me to give anything else.  i gave up my whole entire life to move here to start a life with him.  i gave up my friends, my network, my foreign service ambition, my fabby DC life.  and i moved here for someone i thought loved me as madly as i loved him.  and he claims he does...but just can't show it.  on top of that, his parents have treated me as though i've brought the plague down on their family...after giving his mom "the wedding of her dreams" at the expense of me getting the wedding of my nightmares.  nothing i did, nothing i gave (which was every fucking thing i had and then some) was ever enough.  and i've just got nothing left to give.

i'm hurt, angry, and scared as fuck (i mean, jesus, how am i going to do with by myself with two kids?).  and as guilty as i feel for hurting him...i know what i have to do for me, for my sanity and happiness, and that's to start moving forward with my life.  it's time to start taking care of me.

~k