i had a scehduled c-section yesterday morning (scheduled because my daughter's birth ended in the operating room two years ago), and it was such a surreal experience i really need to work to wrap my mind around it.
firstly, there's something almost too calm in the lead up to a scheduled birth. i mean, it never even really occurred to me (at least not enough to have a back-up plan) that things wouldn't go exactly as planned. which means, i worked right up until yesterday morning, ran two days worth of mock trials for my lawyers, wrapped up my work week by catching up on the last few commitments i'd made, went home, did some laundry, packed my bag, and went to bed normally (though sleep itself wasn't really happening).
and then, at 4:30, i got out of bed, went through my normal morning routine, and made it to the hospital by 5:30 am. at the hospital, it was two hours worth of prep work (iv, blood work, and chats with the doctors and nurses), answering questions, and filling out administrative paperwork. then i was rolled back into the OR where the anesthesiologist spent 20 minutes torturing me with a spine block (it was so uncomfortable and upsetting, being prodded and poked, that i couldn't stop myself from bawling through the whole thing). and it was the first time i was really scared and wondered if i'd made the wrong decision by opting for the c-section.
and then to be awake and lucid while my doctor and her helpers cut me open, wrestled around with things inside my body (i couldn't feel what they were doing but could feel the pressure of organs, ribs, and body parts being moved and shoved around), and then grabbing by stronghold and pulling out my baby...it was kind of awful. and scary. and painful.
and then the baby came and i didn't even really get to see him because he was swept away for testing and cleaning, while i had to lie there feeling the pressure of the doctor putting my organs and body parts back into place and sewing me up. via an uncomfortable neck crick, i could see the baby in the corner, getting cleaned and tested, while my husband held his hand...and all i could do was lie there and cry.
it wasn't a sad cry, but a relieved cry, a joyful cry, and even a little bit of a jealous cry. i mean, i carried this baby around for nine months, painfully at times, and here he was, on the outside, within my line of vision, and everyone but me was getting time with him. i wanted to meet and hold my fucking baby.
and then it happened. as soon as my husband laid my baby on top of my chest, i fell madly in love with my new little man. when he heard my voice, he opened his eyes for the first time and looked deeply into mine. he knew i was mommy. he recognized my voice and wanted to see me. and that's when i knew it had all been worth it. the horrible pregnancy, the horrible c-section morning, the fear and wonder of having another baby...looking into those tiny eyes that instantly recognized me as his person melted my heart and made everything make sense.
and now i'm in love all over again...
~k
15 March 2014
11 February 2014
summing up my marriage
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
~k
22 January 2014
the safety in an office
you know things are bad when being in the office at 6pm is more appealing than going home...
~k
~k
31 December 2013
a perfect ending
it's new years eve and i'm alone...an apropos ending to my 2013.
i'm sad. i'm not sad that i'm spending new years alone. it's the state of my life that makes me sad. and that that's what i've chosen to focus on tonight makes me even more sad.
i try so hard to be grateful for all the wonderful i have in my life...because there is so much to be grateful for. there really is. i feel like i've listed it all here a million times, and even making the list in my head and seeing how long and fruitful it is makes me feel like such a whiney little bitch for spending my new years crying about the one thing that makes me suffer such misery when i've soooo many other things that should make me happy. but alas, it is what it is.
i'm in a loveless marriage, one without friendship, respect, mutual appreciation, or even a simple little bit of empathy. i'm seven months pregnant with a baby that further binds me to a man i cannot even stand to look at, much less be in the same room with, or have any inkling of a desire to spend this most special of evenings with. which is why it's so appropriate that i spend this night in the pleasure of my own company (and i will dry my tears and head to the couch with a tall glass of sparkling juice and some sinfully delightful snacks here in a bit...in an effort to find some way to focus on the brighter aspects of my life).
and then i will do my best to reflect on what's been right this year. i have the best job i could ever ask for, with limitless possibilities, and a most satisfying paycheck. my beautiful daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me. the miracle of a new life is stirring in my belly. i have a great house in a great neighborhood, bountiful friendships, and welcoming communities that give me opportunities to give back to my town. basically, i have almost everything any person could ever want.
almost.
it's just that love thing. that little thing that makes the world go round. that little thing that people say is worth living in poverty and struggling every day to come home to. and i wonder if getting him out of my life will free me to focus more on what i have to be grateful for. that maybe being in his despicable company every day serves as a constant reminder of what could have been...with someone else.
my goal for 2014 is to figure out just that...and to make the right choices for my happiness and the serenity and health of my home and family.
onward.
~k
i'm sad. i'm not sad that i'm spending new years alone. it's the state of my life that makes me sad. and that that's what i've chosen to focus on tonight makes me even more sad.
i try so hard to be grateful for all the wonderful i have in my life...because there is so much to be grateful for. there really is. i feel like i've listed it all here a million times, and even making the list in my head and seeing how long and fruitful it is makes me feel like such a whiney little bitch for spending my new years crying about the one thing that makes me suffer such misery when i've soooo many other things that should make me happy. but alas, it is what it is.
i'm in a loveless marriage, one without friendship, respect, mutual appreciation, or even a simple little bit of empathy. i'm seven months pregnant with a baby that further binds me to a man i cannot even stand to look at, much less be in the same room with, or have any inkling of a desire to spend this most special of evenings with. which is why it's so appropriate that i spend this night in the pleasure of my own company (and i will dry my tears and head to the couch with a tall glass of sparkling juice and some sinfully delightful snacks here in a bit...in an effort to find some way to focus on the brighter aspects of my life).
and then i will do my best to reflect on what's been right this year. i have the best job i could ever ask for, with limitless possibilities, and a most satisfying paycheck. my beautiful daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me. the miracle of a new life is stirring in my belly. i have a great house in a great neighborhood, bountiful friendships, and welcoming communities that give me opportunities to give back to my town. basically, i have almost everything any person could ever want.
almost.
it's just that love thing. that little thing that makes the world go round. that little thing that people say is worth living in poverty and struggling every day to come home to. and i wonder if getting him out of my life will free me to focus more on what i have to be grateful for. that maybe being in his despicable company every day serves as a constant reminder of what could have been...with someone else.
my goal for 2014 is to figure out just that...and to make the right choices for my happiness and the serenity and health of my home and family.
onward.
~k
30 November 2013
the end...the letter
dear husband -
when i moved here, i had so much hope for the future. even thought i'd just been fired, i knew that it was just the universe's way of giving me the push i needed to do what was right for me.
i was so in love with you. i saw for myself the future you were offering. you were inviting me into your warm family, inviting me to build a home in the house you'd just bought, and promised me a life of love, family, and roots.
when i moved here, i had so much hope for the future. even thought i'd just been fired, i knew that it was just the universe's way of giving me the push i needed to do what was right for me.
i was so in love with you. i saw for myself the future you were offering. you were inviting me into your warm family, inviting me to build a home in the house you'd just bought, and promised me a life of love, family, and roots.
and i sailed here on that hope. i believed in the love i had for you and the love i thought you had for me. i believed that your family was going to welcome me into their hearts and lives, and i was so looking forward to making these bricks and mortar our home...and filling it with the sounds of the pitter patter of little feet.
and i got here and things were stressful. i didn't have a job, wasn't nearly as confident as i should have been that getting my job was in the bag, and i (as you know) didn't handle the stress well. i spent every day here, waiting for you to come home. i kept the house up, the laundry clean and folded, and made dinner most nights while waiting for you to get home from work. and every night when i heard the garage door open, my heart flipped a flop because i knew you'd be walking in that door in two seconds.
and then all the pieces started to fall into place. i got the job i still love, we were getting married and honeymooning the trip of a lifetime. even the wedding i didn't want, meant to keep peace in the family, wasn't getting me down. we were starting our life together and that's all that mattered.
except that isn't all that mattered. the news of Bella, followed by the downward spiral of your family, and our disastrous honeymoon all brought the euphoria of our new life crashing down. Bella came...and with her my greatest dream came true...and yet, things didn't get any better. they only deterioirated further.
my loneliness here continued unabated. despite my job, NLC, my new baby, i had no friends but you and i just wasn't getting what i needed from you. maybe i just need too much. maybe what i seek and demand isn't humanly possible. maybe i couldn't tell you in the right words what wasn't working for me, what i needed from you, and just how badly i was hurting.
but somewhere along the way, all that hope i felt when i moved here, all that love i felt for you, all that joy i embraced at the prospect of the life we were beginning together...it all died. and it died a long, painful, and slow death.
i still love my job. i love the this home. i love the community i've built for myself here...in this city and in this neighborhood. and i love my Bella more than anything in the world. i have a million things to be thankful for this holiday: my family, my daughter, my friends, my home, my job, and the resources to enjoy the best life has to offer.
but i have no love. and i can't keep trying to live the lie that it doesn't matter. i can't keep living with the person that serves as a constant reminder that i have no love. it just makes me resent you further and want to punish you all the more harshly. i'm sorry you've been fighting to save us when it's all been for naught. i hope you'll believe me that i long had hoped i would learn to love you again, would find a way to rekindle that fire that brought us together in the first place, that we would be able to bring the joy back into our family...and give our children a better life than i got to have. but it appears that such is not in the cards for us.
and i know you're angry and you don't believe me, but hopefully someday you will...that this all started with the best of intentions, a plentiful supply of hope, and love the likes of which the world rarely sees. and i'm sorry things are ending as they are. but hopefully we'll both emerge from this stronger, better people, and will be able to give our children the beautiful lives the deserve.
hope really does spring eternal.
~k
29 November 2013
a thankful holiday
one of my brothers and his family joined us for thanksgiving this year. it was just the six of us and it was an utterly lovely day.
we cooked, we cleaned, we hung out, we listed the things we're thankful for, we shopped, we ate tons, we watched the Macy's parade, we lounged around, scoured the black friday ads, and simply enjoyed each others' company.
for my brother and me, there's just something about thanksgiving. it's a holiday we've always enjoyed a lot, and one we make an effort to see through together every year that we can. and this year was just as lovely as the others, perhaps even more so because it was so much more intimate and laid back.
and the holiday gives me a special reason to recount all the things i'm thankful for...my beautiful daughter, my healthy baby, a home i love, friends and family that make life worth living, a neighborhood community, a job i love, and a salary that makes life very comfortable.
it's one day i can fairly easily lose focus on the things i'm not so thankful for.
~k
we cooked, we cleaned, we hung out, we listed the things we're thankful for, we shopped, we ate tons, we watched the Macy's parade, we lounged around, scoured the black friday ads, and simply enjoyed each others' company.
for my brother and me, there's just something about thanksgiving. it's a holiday we've always enjoyed a lot, and one we make an effort to see through together every year that we can. and this year was just as lovely as the others, perhaps even more so because it was so much more intimate and laid back.
and the holiday gives me a special reason to recount all the things i'm thankful for...my beautiful daughter, my healthy baby, a home i love, friends and family that make life worth living, a neighborhood community, a job i love, and a salary that makes life very comfortable.
it's one day i can fairly easily lose focus on the things i'm not so thankful for.
~k
09 November 2013
a holiday of my own
my birthday is my favorite day of the year. it's a holiday that's my very own...and it's all about me. it's always been a day of festivities and celebration, all spent in the warmth and friendship of those i love.
well, not all.
since moving to st. louis, i've not had a memorable birthday. i've not even had a birthday i'd label festive and celebratory. they've all been enveloped in the undertones of the sadness and disappointment i feel in every breath i spend with my husband...and the loneliness that consumes me in his company.
i hate everything about him. i hate the way my skin crawls when he comes near me, when he tries to hug me, kiss me, or express any level of affection. and mostly i hate feeling trapped with him, that every day i have to get up and pretend that everything is okay with me because i know i'm incapable of being a good, attentive, and patient mother without him backing me up (even though he'll never amount to any more than just my back-up).
i don't know if this place we're in was inevitable. but i know that, for me, it is irreversible. i will never love him again. i cannot love someone like him, with no initative, no gumption, no ability to take care of me. he's like a child trapped in an adult's body, who can't think for himself, do for himself, or take care of himself. i don't know how i was ever blind enough to think i was making the right choice in uprooting my whole life and all of my plans to start a life with him.
i'm grateful for my beautiful daughter, the home that becomes more mine every day, a fulfilling and enjoyable career, and the good friends i've made in my new life. i just have to keep reminding myself that there are reasons to celebrate and be happy so that i don't let my impossible marriage ruin what little light remains in me.
and i can still have some hope, some little glimmer at the very least, that next week when my birthday falls, there will be something worth celebrating with people i want to celebrate with.
~k
well, not all.
since moving to st. louis, i've not had a memorable birthday. i've not even had a birthday i'd label festive and celebratory. they've all been enveloped in the undertones of the sadness and disappointment i feel in every breath i spend with my husband...and the loneliness that consumes me in his company.
i hate everything about him. i hate the way my skin crawls when he comes near me, when he tries to hug me, kiss me, or express any level of affection. and mostly i hate feeling trapped with him, that every day i have to get up and pretend that everything is okay with me because i know i'm incapable of being a good, attentive, and patient mother without him backing me up (even though he'll never amount to any more than just my back-up).
i don't know if this place we're in was inevitable. but i know that, for me, it is irreversible. i will never love him again. i cannot love someone like him, with no initative, no gumption, no ability to take care of me. he's like a child trapped in an adult's body, who can't think for himself, do for himself, or take care of himself. i don't know how i was ever blind enough to think i was making the right choice in uprooting my whole life and all of my plans to start a life with him.
i'm grateful for my beautiful daughter, the home that becomes more mine every day, a fulfilling and enjoyable career, and the good friends i've made in my new life. i just have to keep reminding myself that there are reasons to celebrate and be happy so that i don't let my impossible marriage ruin what little light remains in me.
and i can still have some hope, some little glimmer at the very least, that next week when my birthday falls, there will be something worth celebrating with people i want to celebrate with.
~k
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