the end...the letter

dear husband - 

when i moved here, i had so much hope for the future.  even thought i'd just been fired, i knew that it was just the universe's way of giving me the push i needed to do what was right for me.

i was so in love with you.  i saw for myself the future you were offering.  you were inviting me into your warm family, inviting me to build a home in the house you'd just bought, and promised me a life of love, family, and roots.  

and i sailed here on that hope.  i believed in the love i had for you and the love i thought you had for me.  i believed that your family was going to welcome me into their hearts and lives, and i was so looking forward to making these bricks and mortar our home...and filling it with the sounds of the pitter patter of little feet.  

and i got here and things were stressful.  i didn't have a job, wasn't nearly as confident as i should have been that getting my job was in the bag, and i (as you know) didn't handle the stress well.  i spent every day here, waiting for you to come home.  i kept the house up, the laundry clean and folded, and made dinner most nights while waiting for you to get home from work.  and every night when i heard the garage door open, my heart flipped a flop because i knew you'd be walking in that door in two seconds.  

and then all the pieces started to fall into place.  i got the job i still love, we were getting married and honeymooning the trip of a lifetime.  even the wedding i didn't want, meant to keep peace in the family, wasn't getting me down.  we were starting our life together and that's all that mattered.  

except that isn't all that mattered.  the news of Bella, followed by the downward spiral of your family, and our disastrous honeymoon all brought the euphoria of our new life crashing down.  Bella came...and with her my greatest dream came true...and yet, things didn't get any better.  they only deterioirated further.  

my loneliness here continued unabated.  despite my job, NLC, my new baby, i had no friends but you and i just wasn't getting what i needed from you.  maybe i just need too much.  maybe what i seek and demand isn't humanly possible.  maybe i couldn't tell you in the right words what wasn't working for me, what i needed from you, and just how badly i was hurting.

but somewhere along the way, all that hope i felt when i moved here, all that love i felt for you, all that joy i embraced at the prospect of the life we were beginning together...it all died.  and it died a long, painful, and slow death.  

i still love my job.  i love the this home.  i love the community i've built for myself here...in this city and in this neighborhood.  and i love my Bella more than anything in the world.  i have a million things to be thankful for this holiday: my family, my daughter, my friends, my home, my job, and the resources to enjoy the best life has to offer.  

but i have no love.  and i can't keep trying to live the lie that it doesn't matter.  i can't keep living with the person that serves as a constant reminder that i have no love.  it just makes me resent you further and want to punish you all the more harshly.  i'm sorry you've been fighting to save us when it's all been for naught.  i hope you'll believe me that i long had hoped i would learn to love you again, would find a way to rekindle that fire that brought us together in the first place, that we would be able to bring the joy back into our family...and give our children a better life than i got to have.  but it appears that such is not in the cards for us.

and i know you're angry and you don't believe me, but hopefully someday you will...that this all started with the best of intentions, a plentiful supply of hope, and love the likes of which the world rarely sees.  and i'm sorry things are ending as they are.  but hopefully we'll both emerge from this stronger, better people, and will be able to give our children the beautiful lives the deserve.  

hope really does spring eternal.

~k   

a thankful holiday

one of my brothers and his family joined us for thanksgiving this year.  it was just the six of us and it was an utterly lovely day.

we cooked, we cleaned, we hung out, we listed the things we're thankful for, we shopped, we ate tons, we watched the Macy's parade, we lounged around, scoured the black friday ads, and simply enjoyed each others' company.

for my brother and me, there's just something about thanksgiving.  it's a holiday we've always enjoyed a lot, and one we make an effort to see through together every year that we can.  and this year was just as lovely as the others, perhaps even more so because it was so much more intimate and laid back.

and the holiday gives me a special reason to recount all the things i'm thankful for...my beautiful daughter, my healthy baby, a home i love, friends and family that make life worth living, a neighborhood community, a job i love, and a salary that makes life very comfortable.

it's one day i can fairly easily lose focus on the things i'm not so thankful for.

~k

a holiday of my own

my birthday is my favorite day of the year.  it's a holiday that's my very own...and it's all about me.  it's always been a day of festivities and celebration, all spent in the warmth and friendship of those i love.

well, not all.

since moving to st. louis, i've not had a memorable birthday.  i've not even had a birthday i'd label festive and celebratory.  they've all been enveloped in the undertones of the sadness and disappointment i feel in every breath i spend with my husband...and the loneliness that consumes me in his company.

i hate everything about him.  i hate the way my skin crawls when he comes near me, when he tries to hug me, kiss me, or express any level of affection.  and mostly i hate feeling trapped with him, that every day i have to get up and pretend that everything is okay with me because i know i'm incapable of being a good, attentive, and patient mother without him backing me up (even though he'll never amount to any more than just my back-up).

i don't know if this place we're in was inevitable.  but i know that, for me, it is irreversible.  i will never love him again.  i cannot love someone like him, with no initative, no gumption, no ability to take care of me.  he's like a child trapped in an adult's body, who can't think for himself, do for himself, or take care of himself.  i don't know how i was ever blind enough to think i was making the right choice in uprooting my whole life and all of my plans to start a life with him.

i'm grateful for my beautiful daughter, the home that becomes more mine every day, a fulfilling and enjoyable career, and the good friends i've made in my new life.  i just have to keep reminding myself that there are reasons to celebrate and be happy so that i don't let my impossible marriage ruin what little light remains in me.

and i can still have some hope, some little glimmer at the very least, that next week when my birthday falls, there will be something worth celebrating with people i want to celebrate with.

~k

being numb

my husband is still here.  it's not so easy to make a clean break with a new baby gestating.  and whilst there are times that things are okay, bordering even on "better," mostly i cope and get through the day(s) by maintaining a consistently numb demeanor.  and the numbness isn't isolated to my exterior.  i feel it on the inside too.

i can't invest anything into a relationship that has brought me nothing but disappointment, but i also can't yet let go because i'm not so sure it's the best way to raise a family.  and the only way to deal with all of it is to stay numb...and it scares me that i've become so effective that i can live this way without drugs or alcohol.

it scares me because i don't know how likely, or even possible, it will be to break out of this shell if and when the time comes.  things are easier in here.  i don't get frustrated.  i don't get sad.  i don't feel lonely or isolated or hopeless.  i just feel nothing.  and feeling nothing is a pretty safe way to live because there's simply no getting hurt.

and maybe i've experienced enough of the ups and downs life has to offer to just burrow inside the safety of a hardened shell for whatever time i have left.  inside this shell, i can take care of the things i need to do, i can take care of my family, i can accomplish things at work, i can get through each day without getting caught up in drama or set back by disappointment or pain.  and maybe it's enough to live...comfortably numb.

~k

timeless advice

"accept what is
let go of what was