my husband is still here. it's not so easy to make a clean break with a new baby gestating. and whilst there are times that things are okay, bordering even on "better," mostly i cope and get through the day(s) by maintaining a consistently numb demeanor. and the numbness isn't isolated to my exterior. i feel it on the inside too.
i can't invest anything into a relationship that has brought me nothing but disappointment, but i also can't yet let go because i'm not so sure it's the best way to raise a family. and the only way to deal with all of it is to stay numb...and it scares me that i've become so effective that i can live this way without drugs or alcohol.
it scares me because i don't know how likely, or even possible, it will be to break out of this shell if and when the time comes. things are easier in here. i don't get frustrated. i don't get sad. i don't feel lonely or isolated or hopeless. i just feel nothing. and feeling nothing is a pretty safe way to live because there's simply no getting hurt.
and maybe i've experienced enough of the ups and downs life has to offer to just burrow inside the safety of a hardened shell for whatever time i have left. inside this shell, i can take care of the things i need to do, i can take care of my family, i can accomplish things at work, i can get through each day without getting caught up in drama or set back by disappointment or pain. and maybe it's enough to live...comfortably numb.
~k
05 October 2013
18 September 2013
~k
17 September 2013
the keys to happiness
(1) surround youself with happy people
(2) smile when you mean it
(3) cultivate resilience “fall seven times and stand up eight.”
(4) try to be happy
(5) be mindful of even the small successes each day
(6) appreciate the little things...every single day
(7) devote time to giving
(8) lose track of time
(9) nix the small talk for meaningful conversation
(10) spend money on other people
(11) hold dear in-person connections
(12) look on the bright side
(13) value a good mix tape
(14) unplug...every day
(15) get spiritual
(16) exercise
(17) go outside
(18) get good sleep
(19) laugh out loud
(20) walk with a spring in your step
i think i can...i think i can...i think i can...i think i can.
~k
(2) smile when you mean it
(3) cultivate resilience “fall seven times and stand up eight.”
(4) try to be happy
(5) be mindful of even the small successes each day
(6) appreciate the little things...every single day
(7) devote time to giving
(8) lose track of time
(9) nix the small talk for meaningful conversation
(10) spend money on other people
(11) hold dear in-person connections
(12) look on the bright side
(13) value a good mix tape
(14) unplug...every day
(15) get spiritual
(16) exercise
(17) go outside
(18) get good sleep
(19) laugh out loud
(20) walk with a spring in your step
i think i can...i think i can...i think i can...i think i can.
~k
28 August 2013
22 August 2013
exploring my feelings
i'm reading this book for a work project...it's called 'difficult conversations' and it's a lot about feelings and the importance of recognizing and admitting feelings and the role they play in our approaches to our conversations. i'm at a part about hard-to-find feelings and i'm going to explore them a bit here...mostly because i don't really think i have a problem recognizing and expressing feelings, but because i'm feeling a little bit of self-doubt right now--about a lot of things--i'm gonna take a gander.
love - i love my daughter more than anything. hugging her, holding her, and hanging out with her are my favorite moments.
anger - i am royally pissed at my husband for ignoring me, my feelings, and my needs since i gave up my life to move here to be with him.
hurt - i am also very hurt and disappointed that he didn't start paying attention to me and my needs until i shut off my feelings for him...and, ultimately, didn't bother until it was too late for me.
shame - i feel guilty that i've let him cling to hope that this marriage had any chance of working out, when deep down, i've known for a while that it's over for me. i also feel terrible for hurting him. i'm even mad at myself for letting him (and me) think that we were ever a good match.
fear - i am terrified of raising two kids on my own. in fact, i am so scared of being a single mom that i would almost rather live with the anger, hurt and shame that accompanies life with my husband.
self-doubt - the reason i'm so scared of being a single mom is because i don't know if i have the temperament, patience, and motivation to handle all of the ups and downs of life with a toddler and an infant all by myself.
joy - this is something i don't often feel these days. the rare moments of joy i have are with my daughter...when she responds to my request for "a hug for mommy" by running up to me and putting her arms around me. o.m.g.
sadness - i am pretty fucking depressed about the miserable downward spiral my marriage has become. i'm sad i'm so alone. i'm sad that i feel like i don't have really good friends to help me through this and that i have to somehow find a way to get through this awful time.
jealousy - yeah, i am not feeling much envy right now.
gratitude - i'm grateful for the small gestures of frienship i get from the people who do care about me. i'm so thankful that my daughter is smart, healthy and beautiful. and i'm so appreciative that i have a good job that i really like that will allow me to financially handle being a single mom.
loneliness - well shit, i've been lonely since the day i moved to st. louis...to a husband that hasn't been a friend or confidante, to a place where i have had no close friends or family, and where i've had to fight for everything i do have. and i'm feeling very lonely now...i'd even go so far as to say i feel like i have no one.
my feelings may be complex, but at least i'm feeling them.
~k
love - i love my daughter more than anything. hugging her, holding her, and hanging out with her are my favorite moments.
anger - i am royally pissed at my husband for ignoring me, my feelings, and my needs since i gave up my life to move here to be with him.
hurt - i am also very hurt and disappointed that he didn't start paying attention to me and my needs until i shut off my feelings for him...and, ultimately, didn't bother until it was too late for me.
shame - i feel guilty that i've let him cling to hope that this marriage had any chance of working out, when deep down, i've known for a while that it's over for me. i also feel terrible for hurting him. i'm even mad at myself for letting him (and me) think that we were ever a good match.
fear - i am terrified of raising two kids on my own. in fact, i am so scared of being a single mom that i would almost rather live with the anger, hurt and shame that accompanies life with my husband.
self-doubt - the reason i'm so scared of being a single mom is because i don't know if i have the temperament, patience, and motivation to handle all of the ups and downs of life with a toddler and an infant all by myself.
joy - this is something i don't often feel these days. the rare moments of joy i have are with my daughter...when she responds to my request for "a hug for mommy" by running up to me and putting her arms around me. o.m.g.
sadness - i am pretty fucking depressed about the miserable downward spiral my marriage has become. i'm sad i'm so alone. i'm sad that i feel like i don't have really good friends to help me through this and that i have to somehow find a way to get through this awful time.
jealousy - yeah, i am not feeling much envy right now.
gratitude - i'm grateful for the small gestures of frienship i get from the people who do care about me. i'm so thankful that my daughter is smart, healthy and beautiful. and i'm so appreciative that i have a good job that i really like that will allow me to financially handle being a single mom.
loneliness - well shit, i've been lonely since the day i moved to st. louis...to a husband that hasn't been a friend or confidante, to a place where i have had no close friends or family, and where i've had to fight for everything i do have. and i'm feeling very lonely now...i'd even go so far as to say i feel like i have no one.
my feelings may be complex, but at least i'm feeling them.
~k
21 August 2013
documenting pregnancy
i thought it would be neat to document my pregnancy, to look back fondly on this magical time of creating a life. but there's nothing magical about a 6-week bout with the flu. and that's what this is. for the past six weeks, i've been a barfy zombie.
and that is all.
~k
and that is all.
~k
11 August 2013
knowing when to say goodbye
i'm really sad. i'm sad that my marriage is over and i feel terrible that i've hurt my husband. it almost feels worse to hurt him than all the hurt i've suffered for him. and as much as i wanted to give him hope that there may be a future for us, i can't do that and be true to myself at the same time. i know it's over for me. too much pain, too much disappointment, too much heartache for me to get past.
the thing that makes this so hard is that he wants to try. he will do [almost] anything to make this work, to make it up to me, to make our marriage work. and i feel soooooo guilty that i don't have it in me to give him the opportunity. i've spent the last two years begging him to give me all of the things i've asked (pay attention to me, ask me how my day was, show some interest in me, my friends, my work, my life, what makes me tick), and he couldn't do it.
fuck, he couldn't even ask me how my day was. and how's a girl supposed to interpret that? i'll tell you...when he doesn't ask how my day was, after i've repeatedly told me how much it hurts me that he doesn't ask, it says two things. one, it says he doesn't give a shit about my day. and two, it says that he doesn't give a shit that it matters to me that he asks after my day. and as much as people may judge me for giving up too soon, for not trying hard enough, for not giving him the chance he deserves, i've suffered so much that i can't take any fucking more.
i don't have it in me to give anything else. i gave up my whole entire life to move here to start a life with him. i gave up my friends, my network, my foreign service ambition, my fabby DC life. and i moved here for someone i thought loved me as madly as i loved him. and he claims he does...but just can't show it. on top of that, his parents have treated me as though i've brought the plague down on their family...after giving his mom "the wedding of her dreams" at the expense of me getting the wedding of my nightmares. nothing i did, nothing i gave (which was every fucking thing i had and then some) was ever enough. and i've just got nothing left to give.
i'm hurt, angry, and scared as fuck (i mean, jesus, how am i going to do with by myself with two kids?). and as guilty as i feel for hurting him...i know what i have to do for me, for my sanity and happiness, and that's to start moving forward with my life. it's time to start taking care of me.
~k
the thing that makes this so hard is that he wants to try. he will do [almost] anything to make this work, to make it up to me, to make our marriage work. and i feel soooooo guilty that i don't have it in me to give him the opportunity. i've spent the last two years begging him to give me all of the things i've asked (pay attention to me, ask me how my day was, show some interest in me, my friends, my work, my life, what makes me tick), and he couldn't do it.
fuck, he couldn't even ask me how my day was. and how's a girl supposed to interpret that? i'll tell you...when he doesn't ask how my day was, after i've repeatedly told me how much it hurts me that he doesn't ask, it says two things. one, it says he doesn't give a shit about my day. and two, it says that he doesn't give a shit that it matters to me that he asks after my day. and as much as people may judge me for giving up too soon, for not trying hard enough, for not giving him the chance he deserves, i've suffered so much that i can't take any fucking more.
i don't have it in me to give anything else. i gave up my whole entire life to move here to start a life with him. i gave up my friends, my network, my foreign service ambition, my fabby DC life. and i moved here for someone i thought loved me as madly as i loved him. and he claims he does...but just can't show it. on top of that, his parents have treated me as though i've brought the plague down on their family...after giving his mom "the wedding of her dreams" at the expense of me getting the wedding of my nightmares. nothing i did, nothing i gave (which was every fucking thing i had and then some) was ever enough. and i've just got nothing left to give.
i'm hurt, angry, and scared as fuck (i mean, jesus, how am i going to do with by myself with two kids?). and as guilty as i feel for hurting him...i know what i have to do for me, for my sanity and happiness, and that's to start moving forward with my life. it's time to start taking care of me.
~k
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)